I thought these were all symptoms of my personality but now i feel as if there is more to uncover. Abuse also decimates trust. Its a lot to deal with alone, so we do hope you seek someone to support you!If you really have no money and nobody to turn to do a google to see if there are any charities in your country helping women who experienced abuse. My concern is the fear that I have with my daughters when a men, another boy or their own father are too close to them, its so hard for me. Youll find that we always say the same thing unless someone invents a time machine, there is no way to know. I dont want to accuse him of anything because i dont even know the truth. Thank you, this article helped a lot. Hi Magali, have a read through the comment stream. I just really want to know. A good therapist isnt there to sway you towards anything they let you make your own decisions. They werent the most professional people, and they didnt exactly treat the kids very well. Ive had moments where I choose not to remember things. 15. I had a hard time accepting his love, I was insecure and very codependent. Unwanted sexual experiences happen to about 1 in 4 children minimum. In our opinion, and we are in the UK which is less just take pills than the USA, you can go beyond coping. In my family, and I have always felt fortunate for my upbringing, we do NOT talk about sex, I dont know if my catholic upbringing has anything to do with that. The more I thought about it the more other things slipped into place. It makes me cringe a lot, it really goes through me. We highly recommend you use our free guide to mindfulness and start practicing it daily http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. The sad part is I think I still have feelings for him. You are suffering. I threatened to tell our parents, but I never ended up doing that. Wed highly, highly recommend you reach out for help. My mom did tell me that I saw a mans penis when I was a baby but I dont know how that could have affected me. Is it a possibility something happened that night I dont remember? There are a lot of things that I dont know the answer to. Have you considered asking them to help you find help? Thats how easily manipulated I am. That its not just you, hopefully that helps you feel less alone with it, even if you have nobody to talk to. We wish you continuing courage with all of this. Thats the only sexual thing that I can remember that made me uncomfortable though, and I dont even think it counts as abuse. What do you think? We have a good article here on what to do if you think you were abused which might be helpful http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. We know it can seem scary to reach out and find a therapist, but none of this will seem surprising to a therapist, they will create a very safe, confidential, and non judgemental space for you to talk about it. It doesnt have to be sexual abuse. Jane, theres a lot going on here. And rape fantasies alongside anxiety, depression, and a feeling you have to offer sex, those are pretty strong indicators of trauma. They hit you or threaten you physically. A gynaecological exam would be useful only directly following the event. But obviously its not working so well as you feel low. Finding a good counsellor helps you explore all sorts, and you might find its a blend of traumatic experiences behind your issues. I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO FIND OUT IF I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED OR NOT. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell my mom, but I fear shell feel too guilty that she didnt notice or do anything, and I dont want to hurt her I used to write depressing poetry as a young adult and he got ahold of it and read it, though I tried to take it away. But it is true that sadly abuse can be a cycle, as in, those who were abused are far more likely to be the ones finding themselves with urges to abuse. I cant talk to my husband trust when i say he would never understand and would just scream or call me names and my marriage would be even worse than it is. Like I said though, Im just numb. What matters is that it will help you learn how to manage better and you can start to find your self worth again. Teresa, sexual abuse is sadly all too common, 1 in 4 children is the official statistic. He did so without waiting for a response. I dont know whether I may have been abused as a young girl or not. 1 / 12. I avoided any possible situation like that and although it never happened again I could see that he had told all his friends they would stare at me. And being sexually assaulted at 13 is itself hugely damaging. All we do know for certain is that we have issues we need help with. By the way, its normal to think about killing people who abused you in any way, sexually, emotionally, psychologically. Then she said I was just looking for validation. If you are seeing a counsellor, do open up to them about all this. We were very close so I would often lie in his bed and didnt think much of it (I was used to having girl friends rather than guy friends) and I remember he would lie next to me and would sometimes roll over so he was on top of me. But your school might have a free counsellor. Try not to compare yourself to others and to listen to and respect what you feel on this. Hey I wanted to ask about a memory I have. I didnt tell any adults about anything that happened because: I was embarrassed (Ive never been good at talking about sex with my parents), I kind of felt like I had consented (even though I didnt know what consent was) and I had already got in trouble for coming across some nsfw stuff on the internet accidentally so I thought I would be told off. But you also mention other things that happened that are not ideal for a child to experience. Or would your parents be okay with you going to see a counsellor if you asked? As weve said throughout this comment stream, putting our focus on exactly what did and didnt happen is not only futile its an act of self-torture. I know I should not and I know I mean nothing to him, but I cant help myself he is the only thing I have on the planet and I do not count him a friend because he is a secret and I only ever see him for an hour at a time for sex. Well then we will gladly tell you it wasnt your fault. She would start off with things like kissing eventually by the time I was 8 she would tell me to do things like oral sex on her,sucking on her breasts,kiss her all over etc this went on till I was about 14 years old. Today his twin brother came to our house and I didnt leave my room for the entire day because I knew he would smell like him (I know its a bit weird) for a while. The vaginal cramping, breast pain, and rash are not symptom of abuse, wed highly suggest you see your medical doctor for a checkup as that sounds hormonal or illness related (we are not medical doctors so we really cant say) but important to look into. Heres the thing. Otherwise, if you are at college yet, most colleges have very low cost counsellors for their students and its confidential. You May Get You were abused as a child. I used to go on walks with my dad and wed go fishing, shooting in the forest, hed build dams with me across rivers, and hed make swings from trees for me. As a good therapist-client relationship should involve feeling you can be yourself and share anything. I mean, could I even call it being molested? Could these dreams that Im having be real and the cause of everything? Im really confused because she wasnt older than me we were around the same age and were both female I dont know if that means its not part of the category I dont know. Its in your hands, and it always has been. Im sorry if this might seem confusing or stupid but English its not my first language. The counsellor at school might be able to help you find someone, or, if you are at college yet, most colleges and universities now provide low-cost counselling for students. I think I was three. I think I also felt shame because I liked it. Or another person you trust who could help you contact a counsellor? When the news came out I was so shocked and disgusted. Recently and at a snails pace, a curiosity or question of I wonder if I was abused popped up. Read our article for many ideas on finding low cost help here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Im 18 and starting to wonder if I was sexually abused as a child, but have no memory of it. I remember I told him to not do that, but then he actually did it AGAIN. First of all congrats on being brave enough to see the counsellor! But, some things he used to do were really strange, like when hed shove my head under his shirt (keep in mind, we barely knew this guy). My dad would get angry with my mom and would call me to get in the car and go with him. You mention that you were touched by guys in middle school and were taunted as if that is just an afterthought. Hi Brit, we simply couldnt tell you that, as we cant get in a time machine and go into your past the best thing is to focus on getting support for your anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, which are all important things to get help with, and then develop a relationship of trust with your counsellor or therapist who can then work on this with you. Otherwise, read our article on how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents . As for the rape, we unfortunately cant diagnose anyone based on a comment, for starters. There is a lot of support out there and we recommend you do your best to find some and stop trying to process this alone. Nothing else. But I feel as if its my fault and that it wasnt wrong because I did want it at the time and Im just so confused now. Always centered around times mom was sick. We think you might also find our other article interesting, it discusses the steps to take if you think you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse good luck! When I was 9 I discovered masturbation (I felt bad like I was too young to do that and there was something wrong in me) My half sister was 14 at the time and I cant remember why but I ended up talking to her about it and then the confusion starts. If anyone has any advice, or if someone can tell me if this WAS weird and Im not just overthinking that would be great . ALL trauma can have that affect. If your future husband doesnt like you for not being a virgin then he is really not a good person. Ive been suspecting that I might have been abused for some time now. When I was 7 I started second grade and in my class there was this girl in 5th grade who immediately wanted to be my friend. Children are total sponges. is there a reason i am this way? If you are in the UK or USA there are free, confidential helplines for young people, you can find out about the ones in the UK here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines . Gosh thank you SO much for sharing this. First time in my life, I feel like I MIGHT ACTUALLY let go of shame, guilt and need to be sexually what others expect be it my crazy parents, or my chauvinist, abusing former partners. Are you already seeing a counsellor for PTSD and ADHD or is that self diagnosed? Its not normal to feel you have to say what you dont want or have to talk about sex if you dont want to. Do you suffer from anxiety? So try not to worry about things like that right now and use what energy you can muster to seek support. I think he came to play with me a few more times after that but I cant remember because its hard to differentiate days. Thank you. I was, more or less, shushed, get over it and not go to the same place again. At least one in four children experiences abuse of some kind. First of all, no, rape fantasies do not at all mean you enjoyed being abused. It also sounds like you didnt feel loved or cared for. I get disgusted with the thoughts of being with a male and have such low self esteem about myself. At no point was the idea that I was expressing genuine problems rather than distorted negative thoughts considered. The same thing happened when I tried to express concerns about treatment; I was assured that therapy could be difficult but I needed to work through it to get better. Therapy is the perfect place to take risks and learn to trust and to start recognising what judgements are your own and looking at why you judge yourself. They put you in touch with trained and kind listeners. All you know is that the behavior is making you uncomfortable. I was feeling tortured and hated myself. Emotional abuse. I always feel guilty, ashamed, or flustered when I get asked this sort of thing. He then took my hand and placed it on his penis and said I should rub it. (I often bragged about how much I knew about sex which, with the context of how I knew all this stuff, is a bit fucked up.) For example, when you meet a therapist, where is your attention, honestly? If you feel this experience is still affecting you, why not talk to a counsellor? But it is not a form of abuse. Stay updated on the latest blogs, quizzes, and podcast episodes. Depending on if you wanted to be playing the game or not, and if you instigated or not, and the age differences between you, it could be abusive, or could be child play. And yet you are still evidently living your life from a space of severe anxiety and maybe complex PTSD. I masturbated a lot from that age and always felt pent up sexual frustration. ive had bulimia for 4 years about and its been hard getting over it i just cant get myself to. Children often do play sexual games with other children. She would just make me feel like I was dirty and shun me for pretty much all my life. I have had several long term relationships which would always start off with us having a lot of sex but I think this almost always involved alcohol, was mostly to please them and it never lasted. Hi there JR. You see we understand you are Christian. Google for one who deals with long-term PTSD and see what you find and not to toot our own horn (as we want you to find the person who is right for you regardless) but our new sister site offers phone and Skype therapy worldwide, http://www.harleytherapy.com. I really dont remember my life before I was 15 and its scary. So the real issue here isnt why or what happened its how can I get support. That is very traumatic and a horrible thing for a child to experience and could quite easily be the root, leading to the classic signs of being molested as a child you are exhibiting, including having no sexual boundaries around men, using sex to abuse and punish yourself, a lot of confusion and guilt about desire, seeing any sexual experience as bad, and a freeze response when stressed. i had to leave the room. Its just an awful lot for anyone to manage all by themselves, even if you are a strong person with a big heart. In all likelihood left in a scenario with a limited number of humans to choose from wed all discover our sexuality was more fluid than we thought.and its far more common than we talk about (although things are starting to change) to be attracted to both sexes at least intellectually, or to identify as heterosexual then have many homosexual fantasies. It could be from the emotional abuse, of course, but Im wondering if sexual abuse wasnt part of it. Hes been very patient but it has caused a lot of trust issues in me and I have never been able to understand why. Wed imagine its a combination of things giving you intimacy and esteem issues. Notice that in this moment, you are not in imminent danger. I am pretty much estranged from my immediate family, mother, father, sister, as I find I am treated like the crazy person who found our home life perverse, it was,while they were fine, theyre not. Unfortunately most of us never know for sure. Thank you for replying, but I know what I have to do to protect my families name. Hi. So regardless of what happened that night, those symptoms are a lot for one person to deal with and you need help. Can you help at all do you think? We are in the UK but see you are in Canada and found this one for you https://kidshelpphone.ca/what-is-kids-help-phone. I am more than sure I was sexually abused as a kid, not on many occasions, but I remember the two times, which I will write here, just because I want to write it somewhere where I wont be recognized, since I come from a very small country. And if you live in UK, know that there are free helplines you can call when you feel really alone. Or if I should just forgive and forget. I feel like Im forgetting something important and often feel dirty or incredibly low , recently Im starting to believe I was sexually abused. Many of us will never know if we were or werent abused, unless someone creates a time machine. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused by my sperm donor, and have never expexted anything less of him but to have raped me. I feel very uncomfortable approaching her about it. Sometimes its simply growing up with a parent who has no boundaries, particularly a mother, who does whatever men want, so its a learned behaviour. I thought of telling my mom many times. Ive been in therapy on/ off over 18 years (maybe 18mth break not always weekly) recently just done 20 weeks trauma therapy with Manchester Rape it seems a lot to me. Traumas combined with childhood environments combined with the personality and genetics you were born with. Is Your Cat A Psychopath? I also remember having a very high sex drive, before then, and after then. But in your case, given youve also got the sexual fantasies and a very direct phobia about being touched around your chest, and extreme anxiety by the looks of it, as well as an eating disorderwe would say it is quite possible that there was some kind of experience that is at its root. I am uncertain and Im afraid of asking my mom about it. Its actually very common for children to experiment a little with each other. It sounds like the situation is much more complicated and you are choosing one detail to obsessively focus on. Yeah, well I guess thats it. Its a natural impulse to want to know what happened. This might have happened to my little sister too, because she suggested we play a game where we poked each others crotches, but that might have just been normal curiosity. All I can remember, however, is getting out of my moms car and greeting my grandpa in his workshop, thats it. Emotional Abuse Test. Is what my stepbrother did considered sexual abuse? A lot of, I must have wanted it, the unspoken thing coming across being so therefore it is my fault. What if you just said, out loud, right now, I do not forgive him I hate him. How true does it actually feel? Good to keep in mind if you start feeling worse. As for your husband, oh dear! We wish you courage and really hope you find some support. I was scared what will happen to their and our family since they were close. We wish you courage! Background on me Im a 6 foot tall man 240 lbs and a violent fighter, so not like I am a sub or was scared. But maybe now I am really to remember and make some sense of everything. Do you get uncomfortable around certain family members or friends, but youre not sure why? We are glad you are currently in a safe space. First of all, their is a lot of self-blame here. Or on looking at ways they do seem to know what they are doing, seem genuinely interested in helping, and are doing their best at their job. I felt unsafe just sitting on the couch with him and would avoid/hide from him And when he got kicked out for hitting my grandma (and then went to jail for drug charges) I felt happy. We really hope you do have a therapist, if youve been hospitalised for suicidal behaviour then you should have been given one but that said we dont know what country you are in. I have gone through bouts of feeling extremely tearful for weeks on end ever since I was 16 and my levels of depression and anxiety go up and down all the time. We wish you courage. If he asked, even sometimes when he wouldnt ask and would just start touching me, Id let him because I figured thats just what I was supposed to do. I felt gross and my body felt strange. But I did crave sexual attention. In general, they were horrible people. The problem is that now they are adults, their lives are up to them. The other thing is the assumption you are making that your husband would think less of you for something that happened a long time ago and was totally out of your control as you were an innocent child. Some of the negative consequences that victims of Childhood Sexual abuse face are: A. Internalizing Disorders (e.g. Thats okay too. I cant prove I was though, I started getting extremely hyper-sexual when I was 12. You can just say that you are having very upsetting childhood flashbacks. I actually also had some infections down there when I was younger too. I dont believe it was directly related to these incidents since they werent STIs but I know other infections can be influenced by things like oral sex which thinking about it makes me feel even more disgusting. I have dealt with a lot of insecurities and self hate issues, and have had suicidal tendencies as well. I feel that I dont remember a lot of instances of my childhood, and in general I have a bad memory. We say this for various reasons. If its hard for you to get out nowadays you can also do counselling at home over skype. And we are really glad it helped. Starting at 7-8 years up until 13 years old when I was strong enough to fight back. Read our articles on here on finding a good therapist. Again Im sorry for this being so long, Ive just never been able to come out with these feelings to anyone before.
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